Beautiful Boy

I got as far as entering the title to this post before Zac called out to me, "I think he's hungry again." 

That's pretty much my life now, as a stay-at-home-mom. Breastfeeding the baby, changing his diapers, and trying desperately to get him to sleep. It's been a rough 8 days (honestly, 11). Aiden headed into a full-on sleep regression coupled with another growth spurt, which peaked on Monday.

I got really spoiled at around 7 weeks, when he started to sleep for longer stretches. Once he hit 9 weeks, he was sleeping an average of 8 hours straight. I started to feel human again; and, silly me, I thought that would be our new life for a while. Try a month. On Monday, it almost started to feel like we were back in the newborn stage. Yes, these regressions and spurts are fleeting, but when you're in the thick of it, and all you can think about is the next time you get to collapse into bed, it's hard to keep that perspective.

It's funny, though. Because, it all just makes me fall more in love with him. His helplessness, the way he fits into the curve of my chest after I've nursed him for another half-hour, his full-faced smile as he wakes from yet another 10-minute nap. Sure, I'll audibly sigh "UUUUUGGGHHHHH, just go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep," when I'm trying to catch a nap for myself. But when he does really fall asleep for the night? I miss him.

I just said this to Zac the other night. That I spend all day trying to get Aiden to sleep, counting down the hours and minutes until Zac gets home, so he can take over for a bit, and/or put Aiden to bed. But then when he finally crashes, it's like something is missing. It's like a phantom limb. He belongs in my arms.

While feeding Aiden yesterday, I caught an episode of "The New Normal" on demand. During a birth montage played a song that I'd (surprisingly, as I consider myself somewhat of a music aficionado) never heard before. It was "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon. I assumed it was The Beatles, but I Shazamed that shit, and was proven otherwise. Immediately, I listened to it on YouTube, and fought back tears.

I thought it would be the perfect time to try out this Pinterest cheat, because I knew I'd found the song that I will play as a part of his bedtime routine. (By the way, that "cheat" works awesomely.)  

I tested it out on my iPhone last night as I bounced him to sleep, and boom, just like that, the tears began to fall. It feels like the postpartum hormones are never going to cease, because sometimes my heart just swells with so much love, it pours out of my eyes. 

Darling, darling, darling, darling Aiden.

photo courtesy of Heather Schwenk Photography