5 Months

As of yesterday, Aiden is now 5-months-old. I know. He's growing and changing every day, and it just blows my mind. Last night, almost out of nowhere, he started to laugh, giggle, and smile at the dog for the very first time. Parker sneezed, and apparently, that's one of Aiden's favorite things. It was the first time he's laughed unprovoked, and it was simply the sweetest.

He made a full transition to the nursery 3 nights ago, and it took a lot of energy not to get to the ugly cry. I shed a few tears as I changed him before bed, but I kept it together. I am one sentimental fool lately. It's pretty funny, and a little surprising. Before he was born, I always expected Aiden to sleep in our room for the first 3 months out of necessity. What I didn't expect was to get so attached to his presence. Just to know he was a couple of feet away, nestled in the pack 'n play was so comforting to me.

In the last couple of weeks he's started rolling around like crazy, but only to his right (though yesterday it really seemed like he was trying for the left). And just one week ago, we witnessed his first success at crawling. It's kind of like an inch worm, or army crawl, but I'll be damned if he isn't going places!

We're starting to make strides with his sleeping schedule, namely nap time. It isn't perfect yet, but he's had more 1-3 hour naps in the last 5 days than he has in the last few MONTHS combined. He just hasn't been a great napper. But, I'm really focusing on the eat, play, sleep mantra and it seems to be helping our cause. Maybe I'll actually be able to take a nap myself. Wouldn't that be lovely. He's also been swaddle-free since Wednesday. He's out there Jerry, and he's loving every minute of it!

There've been a lot of big changes for us in the last few days. I just wish he'd slow down sometimes. There's no rush.

Us

Ten years ago today was the beginning of our happily ever after. As we sat in darkness along the Myrtle Edwards waterfront, you asked if you could put your arm around me. It was our first date, and I couldn't believe it was actually happening. We'd spent hours along this stretch of Seattle- talking, wandering.

As we walked back to your car, 5 hours after the start of our evening, you reached out and held my hand. You still do this, and it makes me just as happy as it did that night. I've always thought my hand nestles perfectly into yours.

Our goodnight hug lasted for 30 minutes, but felt like 1. I kept looking up at you, studying your face, thinking you might kiss me. But you didn't.  I had butterflies.

It felt right. It was the first day of us.

***

3 years ago today, it was set in stone. We were now man and wife. There wasn't a single ounce of uncertainty in my body. I was sure. I was ready. We were ready. This was it.

After all of our hardships, our fights, our "breaks," it was now forever.

***

Today, we have a nearly-5-month-old son. He's our whole world. You're an incredible father. Watching the two of you together absolutely melts my heart.

Sure, there are days when you get on my last nerve. One of your favorite pastimes is annoying me. But, I'm proud to call you my husband. My very best friend. The love of my life.

Each and every day you prove to me that I made the right decision: choosing us.

It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp

I'd been trying to wash my hair for the last 2 days. When I shower, I put Aiden in his bouncer and sit him outside the tub. Yesterday, he wasn't having it and started flailing around as soon as I set him down. Commence 4 minute shower with nasty hair the rest of the day. I wore a hat.

Today, Aiden was pretty good for the first ten minutes, but then he started to fuss and try to push himself off of the bouncer. For a second, I thought he was going to flip over backwards. Uhhh, no bueno.

Next thing I know, I'm dancing naked to "Under The Sea" (I had Pandora on the Toddler station) with shampoo still in my hair in an attempt to calm him. 4 minutes later, I'm shaving my legs with the curtain half open and singing "5 little monkeys jumping on the bed..." as he's not sure whether to continue crying or plug his ears.

I finally finish showering after many "it's okays, I'm almost dones," and I'm rewarded with "Mah Na Mah Na," which is quite possibly the worst ear-worm known to man.

This is my life now.  ♫ Do do do do ♪

Out of Place

Ever since the late stages of pregnancy, my back has been giving me trouble in one way or another. At the end of my pregnancy, it felt like my lower-back/spine was compressed, and I couldn't get it to feel right.

When Aiden was 3-weeks-old, I had a really bad scare with a strained upper-back and ended up in the ER. At first, I wasn't sure what was going on, because all of the sudden I was feeling a burning sensation in my back, I was throwing up, and I could barely breathe. The pain was intense and unrelenting for at least 30 minutes. It was the worst pain of my life, even worse than labor! At one point, I actually called 911 (for the first time ever), because I was alone, and could barely move. I was fearful for not only myself, but for Aiden. I didn't want anything to happen to him if something truly was wrong with me. I'm not a dramatic person by any means, so for me to even consider calling 911, it has to be bad.

After a while, the pain began to ebb-and-flow, which made me realize it was back spasms, and not something worse. I still went to the ER to make sure nothing else was going on, but that's what they deemed to be the cause of my pain, as well. I've had 3 other very intense spasm episodes, but I've been able to keep it in check a little better lately.

 

Let's just say that taking care of an infant with a bad back can be quite a challenge. For the first few months of his life, I was very hesitant to take him anywhere by myself in case I had more spasms. And it took me about 3 months to feel confident enough to take him out on my own.

Fast forward to last week, and suddenly my lower back is causing me problems again. It feels like I need to pop, or stretch, but I just can't get it loosened up. Sometimes I end up walking like an elderly person, or hunched over because it's so tight and compressed. Whenever I walk up stairs, or roll over in bed, I can feel something click. That... can't be good.

It's been suggested to me that I visit a chiropractor. There are few things in life that freak me out, but the popping of bones and joints is one of them. I wonder if my nerves would prevent me from reaping the full benefit of an adjustment. 

I just know I need to do something. It's preventing me from being able to exercise as much as I want to, get out as much as I want to, and babywear as much as I want to. It's just getting in the way of my LIFE. I'm over it.

And Then It Hit Me

With each passing day, the more it sinks in that this is our reality now. He's here to stay, and I'm in charge of him. He depends on me. 

Being a parent is hard, y'all.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, everyone was all up in my face about "Is he here yet?! Aren't you excited?! Are you in labor yet? Aren't you ready for him to be here?! Are you in labor? Why aren't you more excited?" It took a lot of energy not to tell people to STEP OFF.

Truth be told, out of everyone, I was the MOST okay with him chillin' inside me for a little while longer. I was scared shitless to actually *have* him, but I also knew that a big change was coming. Sure, you never know what it's like until you're actually in the thick of it, but I knew whatever it was, it wouldn't be easy.

Let me be clear; I LOVE LOVE LOVE this little boy. So much. His smile could melt the hardest of hearts. But every time he's crying in the middle of the night, it gets a liiiiiittle bit harder for me to muster the energy to fling myself out of bed. I'm just so tired.

Around 9-weeks-old, he started "sleeping through the night," which meant WE slept through the night, and I thought our sleep situation would be sunshine and rainbows for a while. SILLY STEPHANIE. Try a month, tops. Schedule readjustments (him needing an earlier bedtime) sprinkled with some growth spurts meant REGRESSION, and back to waking up 1-3 times every night. One of my biggest challenges with this right now is that for some reason my brain keeps going a mile a minute, even if I'm dead tired. I'm losing precious minutes of sleep just because I simply can't stop thinking.

Aiden's only 4.5-ish months old, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm already failing. There are days when I'm just so run-down that I feel like I'm not being a good mother, or a good wife- I didn't hold him enough, talk to him enough, didn't do those dishes, left him too long in the activity gym, dinner isn't ready, tried to get him to sleep more than he might need because I need to sleep. That last one makes me feel like a jerk. 

Ultimately, I think I really need to force myself to go to bed earlier, and get out of the house more. I'm sure I'm not doing myself any favors by staying in the house a lot of the time. We need a change of scenery. It'd be good for both of us. It has to be.